


Spiral

by Sassy_Lil_Scorpio



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Actual Murder, Attempted Murder, Dale judges but never understands, Death, Destruction, Fighting with Rick, Gen, Haunted from killing Otis, Introspection, Loneliness, Lori and Shane, Love and Sacrifice for Carl, Reflection, Shane ahead of everyone in the group, Shane knows Andrea understood him, Shane looks back at his life and decisions, Shane lost himself, Shane's darkness, Shane's inner trauma from making life-or-death decisions, Shane's legacy, Shane's view of CDC situation with Lori, destroyed friendship with Rick, exploration of Shane's inner thoughts and feelings, flaws, kill to live, living vs. surviving, realistic vs. idealistic, spiral downward, subtle suicidal thoughts, turbulent relationship with Lori, what about the rest of the group?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 14:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14956415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassy_Lil_Scorpio/pseuds/Sassy_Lil_Scorpio
Summary: While pretending to search for the "escaped" Randall, Shane leads Rick through the woods, planning to murder him. Shane reflects on everything that has happened since the outbreak: the disintegration of their friendship, his affair with Lori, the murder of Otis to save Carl's life, his rationale of doing whatever it takes to stay alive, and most of all, his descent into darkness.





	Spiral

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Shane Walsh, Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes and all other characters from The Walking Dead are from the creative imagination of Robert Kirkman. This author makes no claim of ownership. No monetary gain is being made from this work.
> 
> Dedication: This fanfiction is dedicated to Jon Bernthal for his amazing and gripping portrayal of the character, Shane Walsh. Jon Bernthal, your acting was phenomenal in showing the complexity of Shane's emotions, his interactions with the other characters, and his inner turmoil from all the challenging circumstances he encountered and the difficult choices he made. I hope this fanfic does justice for the character of Shane Walsh. Most of all, I hope it makes you proud for portraying the best (and my all-time favorite) Walking Dead character.

**oOo**

_Night after night seems like I rage against the moon_   
_But it don't ever light the dark_   
_I curse the falling rain_   
_But it won't stop for my complaining_   
_Down on my luck and up against the wind_

-Lori Perry "Up Against The Wind" – Set It Off Soundtrack

**oOo**

Rick Grimes had to die. And Shane Walsh would make sure it happened tonight.

As he led Rick through the dark woods in a useless search for Randall, Shane thought about everything that had brought them to this point. _Rick. The outbreak. The hospital. Lori. Carl. The Atlanta group. Rick's return. The CDC. Hershel's barn. Otis. Dale. Andrea._ The memories, images, and voices of everyone from his most recent experiences stormed through his mind like an F5 tornado—chaotic, damaging, loud, violent, deadly, traumatic…rare flashes of beauty. _Now's a good time as any to remind myself why I'm goin' through with this,_ Shane thought, as he walked through the woods, the twigs crunching under his boots. _One shot to the head…it's all over._

Rick followed him without the faintest idea that Shane was leading him to his death…

Shane remembered the first time he thought about killing his best friend. He had pointed his gun when Rick's back was turned. Rick had told him he would feel differently if it was his family that he had to make life-and-death decisions for. Shane had taken that as a kick in the balls. He had protected Lori and Carl out of love for Rick and treated them as though they were his own family after the outbreak without a second thought, when another person would've left them for dead…and that was Rick's response? For Rick to make that flippant comment, showed how little he thought Shane understood the desire to protect those he loved. As though he had to be a father and a husband to "get it". Two things which Shane wasn't, although he took on both roles for Carl and Lori.

Shane felt angrier the more he thought about it, and for a fleeting moment, he imagined killing Rick. Just shooting him dead. A hunting accident. Or a walker that had wandered from out of nowhere, so that Shane shot Rick when he meant to kill the walker. It would be so easy to pull the trigger and make up a story afterwards. One bullet was all it would take for Shane to regain what Rick had "stolen" upon his return…Lori's adoration, Carl looking up to him as a father figure, his leadership over the group.

_If I were to shoot you right now and take you out of the picture—your family would easily be mine again…an' I would be making those decisions to keep them safe…just as I did before you came back…_

Shane had quickly came to his senses and put down his gun. He couldn't believe that he had allowed those deadly thoughts to enter his mind. Rick was his best friend and his brother—he loved the man and would do _anything_ for him without hesitation. Shane would lay his life down for him; he would've switched places with Rick that day he got shot in the line of duty…

So much had changed since then between him and Rick.

And within himself.

He wasn't the same man he used to be before the outbreak and he asked himself: when was the exact moment he ceased to exist? Was he always like this? Or did this horrible new world ravaged with animated rotting corpses bring out a new ruthless side to him? This impulsive side which dictated _act first/think later_. It felt alien to him at first, but as time went on, it became more natural. He wasn't callous because he wanted to be this way, but because he _needed_ to be. It was a difficult and painful transformation Shane had undergone—but it was necessary.

Rick didn't get it. He hadn't been forced to make split-second life/death decisions under unbearable pressure—decisions that Shane had made since the beginning of the outbreak. Decisions that forced him to accept that he couldn't be the same Shane Walsh. Before the outbreak, he could be the good guy and still go home at the end of the day. Working for law enforcement, there was always a chance that he wouldn't make it home, but now it was _different_. Now, there was no "home" to return to. There was no law, no stability, and no order. Society as they knew it was ruled by the dead and it was the living that had to fight to survive.

_Rick, you can't just be the good guy and expect to live, okay? Not anymore._

Shane had tried getting Rick to understand that the old world didn't exist anymore. He thought the saying "talking to a brick wall" was an accurate description of the communication between him and Rick now. Rick refused to listen to reason. He was concrete; nothing Shane said got through to him. Rick was living in a dream world that he could still do everything the way they used to. He was idealistic which made him unrealistic, whereas Shane's instincts led him to be a cold realist.

Shane felt most frustrated by how Rick didn't treat him as an equal in this new world. Rick didn't respect what he said, although Shane had been living in this new world longer and adapted quicker. Throughout their friendship and during their work as police partners, if they disagreed on an issue, they would hash things out and eventually come to a respectful conclusion that was fair to both of them. Shane needed to know Rick respected him, even if they disagreed. He didn't need Rick acting as his superior, which Rick constantly did: lord his leadership over Shane and treat him as though he were a subordinate who was there to follow his orders without question. Snippets of their conversations reverberated in Shane's mind as he walked through the woods: _if you gonna be with us,_ _you gotta follow my lead…it's my call…you gotta trust me…y_ _ou're not doing this…you don't get to make these calls anymore…I won't let you…you don't agree, this is what's happenin', swallow it, move on…_

He treated Shane as though he were beneath him, although Shane knew his instincts were far better than Rick's. His decisions went against Rick's many times, and when he thought about it, he realized they had never clashed like this before the outbreak. That was then and this was now. When it came to living in the here-and-now, there was no way Shane was going to fall in line with Rick like the rest of the group because he knew it meant his death—and the deaths of those he loved: Lori, Carl—and his unborn child. Rick could say whatever he wanted—Shane knew Lori's baby was _his._ If his unborn child was going to make it in this world, it's because Shane knew what it meant to survive, whereas Rick simply wanted to live.

_Survival, Rick. It means making hard decisions. You got people depending on you._

That gut instinct to survive pushed him to protect those he loved no matter what the cost. It meant murdering an innocent human being if they were putting him or his loved ones in jeopardy. It meant ending the lives of those who posed a potential threat to those he cared about. And it meant sacrificing his humanity, his peace of mind, and who he was for the greater good. It meant changing everything about himself: his worldview, his approach to life… Shane's transformation had started that day in the hospital when he tried to save Rick, but his metamorphosis reached completion after that night when he went with Otis to get supplies that would save Carl's life.

Shane started on a dark and lonely path after what happened that night at the school. Lori had once told him he hadn't been the same ever since that night. She was right. She had asked him about what happened and he had looked away refusing to answer her at first. Eventually, he told her in a roundabout way that what happened—well, it happened because he loved her. During that conversation with Lori, he remembered staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror that night, the hot shower fogging up the glass. He remembered hating the person staring back at him, and yet, he knew this was who he had to be from now on. He would _never_ be the same man again. It was impossible to go backwards to a time when he wasn't tormented by the fact that he had killed a man to save another man's son. He had shaved off his hair that night. He needed to remove any evidence of the scuffle. Otis had ripped out a chunk of his hair and he decided _no one_ —not even Rick Grimes—would pull out his hair again to maim or kill him, to put him in the path of walkers or any other mortal danger.

Most of all, he didn't want to be reminded of that hellish ordeal although it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

It could be midnight, five in the morning, three in the afternoon, seven in the evening—and suddenly the images of Otis being ripped open flashed in his mind. It was like seeing a movie on the big screen. Everything was amplified, he saw himself running with Otis through the school, splitting up in the gym, meeting outside, trying to get away…He heard every walker's snarl and growl, smelled the rotten decay spreading from them…Relieving what had happened almost made him re-experience the horror of it all over again. Even when he didn't want to think about it, the terrifying scene would intrude into his brain, forcing him to watch it again and again…

They had escaped from the school. Walkers were closing in on them. Shane limped as sharp pains stung his leg, angle, and foot. His heart slammed against his chest faster than he could breathe. The palpitations were relentless as the stench of decomposing walkers threatened to suffocate him. Although he was getting closer to the truck, the extreme terror of the situation made it seem further away. Otis was exhausted and not faring much better. Shane was willing to sacrifice himself and told Otis to go on without him. Just take the supplies and get back to Carl. Otis insisted they would both make it out of there. Shane knew better. At the rate they were going, only one of them could make it out alive. The walkers kept moving faster and they kept slowing down.

Although Otis meant well, Shane felt furious. Here he was running for his life with the man who had shot Carl to begin with, he was giving him a way out of this whole thing—and Otis was either too goodhearted or too dense to see what Shane was trying to do. Why couldn't Otis just leave with the supplies? What if none of them returned to the farm? If they both died, then Carl would die. And what would happen to Rick if his only son died because of Shane's failure to return with the supplies? What about Lori? When both men were down to their last bullet, he knew what he had to do…

Was he heartless to shoot Otis in the leg to let the walkers devour him alive just so he could escape? Had he turned into a killer with no remorse? Who was he now?

He had killed a man to save a child's life. A child whom he loved as his own. A child whose father was his best friend, and whose mother he had fallen in love with. He had done it for them. And maybe, he had done it for himself, too. Not just to save his own life, but to redeem himself in Lori's eyes after she had cast him aside for "lying" to her about Rick.

Once he returned, he had wandered around Hershel's home, barely talking to anyone, lost in a daze that he was still alive. Rick had hugged him close when he'd first returned, relieved that Shane had made it back with the needed supplies. He checked on Carl and saw him sleeping peacefully. Lori said Carl was doing okay and she told him to stay, which struck him since he had told her he wanted to leave the group just days earlier. Shane would think on that later. Right now, he couldn't focus on Lori or anyone else. He was still reeling from what happened only an hour ago.

Maggie gave him some extra clothes and told him they may not fit because they belonged to Otis. Otis…he had killed the man and now he was going to wear his clothes. She had no idea what had transpired and Shane accepted her kind gesture, although he knew he didn't deserve it.

Shane wanted to believe that the entire night was a nightmare that he'd wake up from. But he knew the truth: this ugly night was real. This awful world that he was living in was real. What happened that night wasn't his imagination or a drug-induced hallucination. He wouldn't wake up from it because he was already awake and he felt more frightened than ever before. He wasn't scared of the walkers.

Shane was terrified of _himself._

He admitted that he had shot Otis in the leg and not the head on purpose. A shot in the head would ensure Otis was killed. Walkers weren't attracted to the dead; they only pursued the living. Shane told himself that his reasons made sense. Kill one person to save two people versus all three of them dying—Carl, Shane, and Otis. When he ruminated over the cold facts about what he had done—take an innocent man's life—it was agonizing.

_"I'm sorry." Two words that ain't mean a fuckin' thing—didn't change anything._

Shane had said those words aloud to Otis and he was regretful the moment he pulled the trigger. He never wanted to do this to Otis or anyone else. Hearing himself say "I'm sorry" helped him to believe that he wasn't malicious. He had no desire to get revenge on Otis for accidentally shooting Carl. It was a matter of life and death. One of them had to get out alive to make sure Carl lived. Shane just needed to know that he still had decency in him. He was still a good human being, trying to do the right thing…wasn't he? He was a desperate man doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Or was he doing the right thing for the wrong reasons? Shane didn't know which one it was anymore.

 _It was all for Carl. For Lori. For Rick. What would Rick do if he lost Carl? What would Lori do if her son died?_ He raced around in mental circles rationalizing and justifying his actions.

When he had drove back to the farm, he was faced with the stark realization that guilt and shame would have to be squashed. Those uncomfortable feelings that kept a rational sane person with a conscience awake at all hours of the night would have to be buried deep within, never to resurrect again, if his ultimate goal was to stay alive and protect those he loved in this new world. Because as he had learned that night at the school—sometimes surviving meant making hard decisions. Such as murder…

_Murder._

The word brought Shane back to the present moment. He was walking in the woods with Rick searching for Randall. Or at least, that's what he wanted Rick to think. He had led Rick, Glenn, and Daryl to believe that the kid had assaulted him and ran off. Rick had immediately split them into two groups: Daryl and Glenn, Shane and Rick. Shane couldn't have planned it any better. He touched his nose, feeling the warm blood trickling over his clammy skin. He was surprised when he heard Rick speak behind him.

"Looks like it's busted pretty bad."

Shane was silent before answering. He could tell from Rick's tone of voice that he didn't fully buy into the story about Randall escaping and punching his nose, or using a rock. Not that it mattered. He and Rick were alone and he was going to commit this awful irreversible action called "murder". _You don't have to worry about my nose, Rick,_ Shane thought. _Soon, you'll have much bigger things to worry about._

"Don't worry about me," Shane growled. _Worry about your damn self._

They kept walking through the woods with no words exchanged between them. Shane wondered what Rick was thinking, if he had any suspicious. If Rick thought or felt anything was strange about following Shane into the woods, he didn't say it.

Shane thought about the word again. _Murder._ Would he really be able to go through with his plan to murder Rick Grimes, the man he had loved as his brother? After all, the last time Shane killed a human being, it had tortured his psyche. His mind wandered back to Otis…

Killing a man was impossible to forget, no matter how hard he tried to put it out of his mind. He had told Andrea that in a roundabout way, but she didn't fully understand. No one had any idea of what happened that night at the school. And no one knew that Shane was drowning in remorse for what he had done to Otis. Rick and Lori had thanked Shane for risking his life, they smiled with tears in their eyes when they saw Carl slowly come around. Saving Carl had come at a heavy price. Shane would never tell Rick what it cost him to make that awful decision.

This was his cross to bear.

He couldn't tell anyone from the group. He didn't want them to view him the same way he viewed himself: a murderer. Because even though Shane's actions had saved Carl, the cold hard fact was Otis was dead because of him. Killing a man to save another didn't change the fact that he had committed murder. If the group found out what he had done—worse yet, if _Hershel's family_ found what he had done—what would happen to the group? To Carl? To Lori and Rick? They would be kicked off the farm, left to wander in a world infested with living corpses.

What if the group abandoned him if they knew the truth? He had already lost Lori and Carl when Rick returned. What if everyone ostracized him after learning what he had done? _Glenn, T-Dog, Daryl, Carol, Dale, and Andrea._ Although he had told Lori he planned to leave, the truth was Shane didn't want to go at it completely alone. Shane's biggest fear was loneliness and he already experienced that when Lori pushed him away. Shane would eventually self-isolate from everyone on the farm, but he was still with a group of people. He wanted to leave several times, but somehow he always stayed.

His only choice: tell _nobody_ what happened.

Guilt, fear, and anger took turns overwhelming him, and yet, Shane forced himself to stay silent. What he saw and heard in his mind always haunted him. Human beings who had turned into animated decayed corpses tore Otis apart as though he were a slab of meat to be butchered. The louder he cried out in pain, the more walkers joined in, attracted to the noise of a living human being. Shane had looked back once and wished he hadn't. The walkers ripped off Otis' arms, clawed open his stomach, chewed the flesh off his face…they devoured him alive. His dying screams echoed in Shane's ears. He would never be able to unsee or unhear that moment.

Patricia's sobbing after she received the news of his Otis' death increased Shane's burden a hundred times. He couldn't face her that night, but during Otis' memorial service, he had no choice. Hershel asked Shane to speak on his behalf and Patricia wanted to know his final moments. Shane thought quickly: he didn't want to state what really happened for fear of what they would do to him if they knew. More so, it wouldn't help anyone if they knew the true circumstances of his death. So Shane said Otis died a hero, that he had sacrificed himself for Carl. That was somewhat true since Otis had told Shane he "wanted to do the right thing by the boy".

Everything he was saying and doing was unthinkable, but had to be done. Wasn't it better for Hershel and Patricia to believe that Otis died a hero? Shane didn't want them to have that frightening image in their minds of Otis being eaten alive by walkers. That would drive Patricia over the edge and he would _not_ do that to her. Shane already was dealing with constant flashbacks of that horrific night. He accepted that as punishment for his actions. He wouldn't add to Patricia's suffering; he felt the least he could do was to give Otis' grieving family a picture of a man who hadn't died in vain, who willingly wanted to right the mistake he had made when he shot Carl. A man who truly didn't deserve his horrible fate.

Maybe in time, they would heal from Otis' death, but Shane knew he never would…

He remembered glancing at the empty passenger seat during the ride back. Otis should be sitting next to him. He had every intention for Otis to return to the farm. They had helped each other at the school up until that last moment. Later, when Dale confronted him about being "vague about that night" and _I know what kind of man you are,_ Shane would think back to how he shot a walker who grabbed Otis in the gym, just as Otis shot a walker coming after him outside the school. Shane knew the truth about who he was, contrary to what Dale thought about him. He knew, exactly as he told Dale, that Carl lived that night because of what went down at the school. Then he remembered that Dale threw back in his face about him having Rick in his sights. He thought Shane would kill his best friend. What the hell did he know anyway?

_Dale._

Shane couldn't stand that bucket-hat wearing naïve Mr. Moral Authority. Shane viewed him as a self-righteous chump who loved to ramble about justice and holding onto one's humanity. What humanity was left in this twisted world overrun by the dead? Law and justice didn't exist anymore. Peace and order were a figment of Dale's imagination. Shane had seen that firsthand when he went to get Rick from the hospital and the military were killing hospital staff and patients. _You don't know shit, Dale. You just get up on your soapbox and carry on about bullshit you've never experienced_. He wanted to say that every time Dale got in his face, but he managed to control himself.

What did Dale know about being forced into a kill-or-be-killed situation? Dale wasn't chased down by a herd of flesh-eating walkers in an abandoned school. Dale wasn't within an inch of losing his life. Dale wasn't in Shane's position—he wasn't making split-second decisions that taunted him during the day and kept him awake at night. Dale wasn't forced to accept that the man he used to be was rotting away every time he fought for survival in this living hell.

Deep down inside, Shane _knew_ why Dale said what he did. He had seen Shane aiming his gun at Rick. On that day, Shane remembered imagining what life was like before Rick returned. For the first time, Shane had his own family. People looked up to him and trusted in his leadership. Leading the group, protecting Lori and Carl, keeping everyone safe—it gave him a purpose, something to focus his energy on.

Then Rick returned…

He had been genuinely surprised to see his best friend. Rick was alive! As best friends, they could lead together, survive together. He was relieved that Rick hadn't died in the hospital, especially after all the maddening chaos he had witnessed that day. Shane remembered feeling both confused and happy when he saw Rick embrace Lori and Carl—they meant everything to Rick. And Rick was grateful to him for saving his family. He had thanked him over and over again.

That would soon change.

Sharp pangs of jealousy, unrelieved lust, and resentment slowly consumed Shane from the inside out like sulfuric acid eating away a corpse's flesh down to the bones. Even if Shane wanted to hide his emotions, he couldn't. What he truly felt revealed itself in his venomous tone of voice. In the long stares he'd send Lori when Rick wasn't looking. In the increased arguments he had with Rick. He didn't realize he had the capacity to hold such deep resentment towards anyone—especially when it was someone whom he had once considered his brother and best friend. The fury had a life of its own and grew every time Rick went against Shane's views about what to do with the barn, Sophia, Fort Benning…and from every moment Lori shunned him.

_Lori…_

His mind conjured up memories of making love to Lori Grimes in the woods. There were more times than he could count when he and Lori arranged to meet each other away from the camp. He remembered her laughing, undoing his belt, yanking his pants down, and how he nestled himself between her legs and ran his tongue on her navel. Lori's skin was smooth and her body had a heavenly scent. She had taken care of herself as best she could, although they had been camping in the woods for weeks. Every time they had sex: whether it was rough and carnal or slow and passionate, Shane's feelings for her grew stronger…

At that same moment, Shane stopped in the woods. Rick stopped behind him. Shane turned around and met Rick's eyes. He stared at Rick. Rick stared back at him. There were no words exchanged between them. Only an eerie silence that worsened with each passing second. When it came to Lori, there was nothing more to be said, although dark thoughts swarmed through his mind: _if you hadn't come back, Rick…if you had stayed dead in that hospital, I never would've lost Lori...she was forgetting about you, moving on without you…she was my woman, but you came back and fucked up everything…_

Boiling hatred simmered beneath Shane's surface. If Rick were to hold up a mirror to Shane at that exact moment, he would see how far he had fallen. Shane's eyes were empty, devoid of life. After everything that had happened between him and Lori, he only felt rage—towards Rick and her. Towards Rick because once he joined their group, he took over leadership as though Shane were no one. And Lori ran back to her husband without a second thought of Shane. Without Rick there, Lori was his. On the other hand, Lori was an emotional vampire who had fed off of Shane's desire to protect her. The most difficult part was that he had permitted it. Shane had played his role in the situation with Lori. He had once told her he had made his share of mistakes…but he never admitted to himself that loving her, and more so, being unable to let her go, was the biggest mistake he had made.

His mind replayed the conversation they had earlier at the windmill. She had apologized to Shane and even said she didn't know whose baby it was: his or Rick's. Shane didn't know if that was the truth, since she had made it clear several days ago that she would never allow him to be involved in the child's life—even if the baby was his. Lori had pushed him away many times; he hadn't forgotten when she called him an "asshole" after he told her a white lie to bring her back to the farm safely.

She had pulled him back again with her talk of resuming a friendship and _"getting past this, healing from everything"_. Even making it sound like she _did_ have feelings for him, although she had denied it so many times. _Whatever happened between us, whatever the hell we thought it was—and not just you…_ What the hell did that mean?! _And not just you…_ Those last four words confirmed for Shane what he always knew to be the truth: Lori _did_ love him. She felt _something_ as he insisted to her over and over again. Shane was finished. He couldn't handle her mind games anymore, her pushing away and pulling him back when it was most convenient for her. Nor could he accept what had happened between them after Rick returned. His heart was broken beyond repair and right now, he hated her almost as much as he hated Rick.

If Rick hadn't returned, would Lori have cut him off so coldly? Would he still have some sort of family with Lori and Carl? Would the group still look up to him as their leader and trust that he would keep them safe? Would Lori still love him? _Had_ she ever loved him? The questions swirled in his mind with answers that were…seemingly right to him. No, Lori wouldn't have cut him off, if Rick hadn't returned. He'd still have a family with Lori and Carl. He would still hold authority over the group.

Shane continued walking through the woods without a word or second glance to Rick. As he walked onward, his mind reeled from all the memories of Lori and jumbled emotions they brought up for him…

Shane checked on Carl, who was sleeping soundly in the backseat. Then he approached Lori. She had been standing out on the highway, hundreds of cars in front and back of them. There was nowhere to go. Shane gently touched her shoulder as she told him how alone she felt since they had left Rick in the hospital. They came to Atlanta to find her parents only to discover the city was overrun. Her parents were probably dead and she felt overwhelmed with grief and shock. She had turned to face him, he stepped closer, and their lips met at the same time in an awkward kiss.

He knew this was his best friend's wife. Rick had told Shane about their marital problems—minutes before he was shot. Now Rick was dead. If he had awoken from his coma, the walkers would've found him and killed him a final time. Lori needed to escape from the horror of their world turned upside-down. Shane needed it, too. He didn't stop her when she told him she needed him. She didn't stop him when he told her he wanted this for a long time.

Shane brought her down to the grass and Lori spread her legs, inviting him. He followed her cues. They had hesitated the first time they made love.

"Lori?" He had whispered her name. She hadn't responded at first. He clasped her hand so that their fingers were intertwined.

"Shane." She stared intensely into his dark eyes.

A long silence spoke for them. The silence was broken up by their heavy breathing. Shane remembered looking into Lori's eyes as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Lori's eyes were wide with fright and he wanted to make her feel safe. For an instant, he remembered being the best man at Rick's wedding and how he had spoken at the reception about how happy he was for his best friend…

_I want to congratulate my best friend and brother, Rick Grimes, on his marriage to his beautiful wife, Lori. Rick, you know what they say—happy wife, happy life! Better keep the missus happy and satisfied!_

Now he was having sex with his best friend's wife. At first, there was guilt, but soon other feelings took over: a sense of relief, calmness, peace, and strangely enough, happiness. All was lost in this world gone straight to hell and yet, he was having this amazing intimate moment with Lori. He had someone who cared about him. More importantly, he had someone whom he wanted to protect and care for.

He had a reason to live.

Raw animal lust was also present when he entered her body. The latter overwhelmed him, stifling any guilt he had initially felt. It felt so good—no, it felt _right_ —to become one with Lori, to share a sensual moment that was just her and him. During that short time, he forgot that every waking moment they feared for their lives. He _knew_ she felt the same way. She had initiated several of their moments. It wasn't always him making the first move. All she had to do was look at him a certain way with her long dark hair falling over her face and he knew she wanted and needed him. He remembered telling her so:

_What we had…it was real. Just think about what you felt. Everything falling apart around us, but it was the one good thing. You know it's true._

Shane was never able to accept that Lori wanted him only for that brief time when she thought Rick was dead. It was temporary for her, whereas for him his feelings were permanent. It was different back then—she had cared about him. She had listened to him. Even if the moment was brief for Lori, it felt eternal for Shane.

How could it not be forever when it wasn't just Lori in the picture? There was Carl, too.

Lori had wanted Carl to have a father figure in his life. With Rick gone, Carl needed a man to bond with and look up to. It was Lori who made that observation: _I don't want him to grow up without a father figure._ He took it upon himself to be that man. He would teach his best friend's son a mix of survival tactics and fun things: how to tie knots, catch frogs. As time went on, he would teach Carl how to be a man. How to protect yourself and those you love. In time, he would teach Carl how to shoot a gun, and ensure the young boy took this task very seriously. Back then, Lori had listened to Shane, and she had even told Carl that he should listen and respect Shane.

 _Listen…_ The word flashed through Shane's mind as he kept walking through the woods…

In the CDC, Shane wanted Lori to listen to him the way she used to. He desperately needed her to understand and believe that he didn't abandon Rick in the hospital. Lori accused him of lying to her about Rick's death. _"You lied to me, you said my husband was dead."_ He didn't know what broke him more: being forced to leave Rick in the hospital or Lori accusing him of lying to her about the entire situation as though Shane had an ulterior motive.

He had done the best he could in a horrible situation and made every effort to get him out of there, not knowing he would make it out alive himself. He tried getting a nurse to the room. He tried lifting Rick out of the hospital bed just before the military came in. He had to duck by Rick's bed to make sure that neither of them got shot.

Lori wasn't there to witness or experience firsthand the maddening chaos that had descended upon the hospital: walkers swarmed the hallways, the military was overtaken—and before that, they were killing doctors and patients. She didn't hear when the cacophony of pandemonium reached deafening levels: screams, gun shots, unhuman growling from the walker's decomposed throats, people running, shouting, and crying, fire alarms ringing. She wasn't the one who put her ear to Rick's chest to listen for his heartbeat…only to lift her head up with tears in her eyes when she heard silence.

He didn't want to leave Rick, lying in a coma and helpless…but if he tried to make out with Rick—they would both be dead. And where would that leave Lori and Carl? They would get killed. His mind raced through the choices. Take Rick out, and they both get devoured by walkers before they make it out of the hospital. Take Rick out, and the military shoots them down before they make it down the hallway to the elevator. Protect Rick, put the hospital bed in front of the door so that if there's even a tiny chance of his survival, no walkers or military would kill him. If he left Rick, then at least he could get the Grimes' family to safety. It was an excruciating decision to make, but Shane finally made the choice knowing it would keep him, Lori, and Carl alive and believing Rick would've wanted it that way.

He left Rick.

He hated that he had done that to his brother and best friend. Shane hated himself, he hated how insane and ugly the world had become from the outbreak, he hated that Rick had gotten shot in the first place because of his mistakes—because Shane still felt responsible for Rick being in a coma in the first place. But he had to leave Rick that day…Shane tried telling him about it when they took the drive to release Randall. He found that even then he couldn't voice aloud what had actually happened. He didn't want to validate or confirm Lori's accusations.

_I couldn't live with it… couldn't live knowing…but I had to._

Shane didn't leave Rick because he wanted to or because he didn't care. He left Rick because he thought Rick was dead and if he didn't leave the hospital when he did, then he would be dead, and worse, Lori and Carl would be dead. And if Shane had lived and Lori and Carl had died—he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

He would be dead, too.

So that night in the CDC, while everyone was enjoying the safe shelter, eating a full meal, making the most of the hot showers and warm beds…Shane was alone in the shower, drinking. He was drinking away his heartache that the woman he loved was taking a shower with his best friend…leaving him by himself. It was hard to believe how just a month ago, his entire life had been different—he and Rick were best friends and brothers. There was nothing going on between him and Lori. He could play video games with Carl. He could sit down and have dinner with the Grimes' family without any weird tension—without any inking of isolation, hatred, jealousy that his best friend was with the woman he had fallen in love with—none of these uncomfortable emotions were present a short time ago. Most of all, Shane was still treated with respect.

All he wanted from Lori was for her to _listen_ to him and _respect_ him.

Maybe if they had one last intimate moment last time… Maybe if he kissed her all over her body like when they were in the woods—she had loved it—the way she used to thrash in heat, her body undulating underneath his, running her fingers through his hair as his hands, lips, and tongue explored every inch of her beautiful body. If he made her remember when he was the only man in the world she wanted, then she would understand. He would bring her back to that time when he the only man she needed. The only man she wanted.

That's what he hoped to do.

That's not what happened.

He didn't intend to hurt or rape Lori—God, no—but he knew he was wrong to attempt any force against her. Lori was the first and only woman he had ever loved in a line of treating women like sexual conquests. Shane knew too well of his long history of chasing after women for sex, bouncing from one to the next, which Rick reminded him when they went hunting. _Shane's Sexcapades_ Rick used to call it during their high school days. Back then, Shane was getting laid left and right, while Rick was working up the courage to ask girls out. Shane also came up with what he thought was an endearing moniker for brainless women: "pairs of boobs".

Lori was different from all the rest.

She was the first woman he wanted to cherish, to protect, to guard from all harm. When she clawed at him, leaving those hideous scratch marks, he was overcome with guilt and shame. Guilt that he had actually tried forcing himself on her. Shame that he was turning into this unrecognizable monster from all the jealousy and anger festering in his soul ever since Rick came back. Guilt and shame for hurting the woman he loved.

He knew he had crossed a line. He wished he could bring back what they once had. He knew what he had with Lori was real. It _felt_ real. It was real for her, but ever since Rick returned, she had discarded Shane like a dirty dishrag—tossed to the side, never to be used again. He backed off when Rick came back, but she took it a step further when she tried to ensure that Carl was no longer around him. Their situation was adult business and dragging Carl into it was unfair. Shane didn't have his own children, but he didn't believe it was right to involve them in grown-up matters; it only worsened the situation and hurt the child. Then she sent him mixed messages: _stay away from my son—why are you being mean to Carl?_ No matter what he did or didn't do, Shane couldn't win.

She was throwing her guilt of the affair onto him and avoiding responsibility for her part in it. Shane could live with that. He would've taken on Lori's guilt if it meant she would at least treat him like a human being. Or if she had gave him closure, then he could've tried to move on. If Lori had pulled him aside, told him their relationship was over, but still offered to be cordial on some level, for the sake of Carl and even for Rick, he would've agreed. Shane was honest with himself: the loneliness he felt when he saw Lori in the arms of his best friend was overwhelmingly painful, but he could try to let go and move on. He could try to let his feelings for her die.

It didn't happen that way.

Lori's iciness stabbed Shane in the heart countless times. His emotions were blended into a huge mess from Lori's treatment. He felt angry that she accused him of lying to her about Rick, after all he had done to keep her and Carl alive and safe. He was devastated that she cut off Carl from him—especially since he had _never_ done anything to harm Carl. Everything Shane had done before Rick had returned (except for sleeping with Lori), he had done for Carl. Worst of all, he felt humiliated. Shane was a strong and confident man, but he knew the entire group had seen how Lori treated him differently once Rick came back into the picture. If she didn't respect him, why should the rest of the group respect him?

Shane thought about the rest of the group as he continued walking through the woods with Rick…

There was no love lost between him and Dale. Shane didn't feel happy about Dale's death, nor did he feel sad. He was indifferent. He didn't like Dale, but he didn't want him to get killed—by a walker no less. Glenn and Maggie were in their own world, although Maggie had expressed how angry she was at Shane after the barn scene since he insisted that Hershel had known Sophia was inside there. T-Dog was just there. He wasn't a threat and he didn't ask questions when Shane took his gun earlier.

Shane and Daryl had bumped heads more than enough times. He realized he had been unofficially fired and officially replaced by Daryl when Rick told him they planned to address the Randall situation. _Taking Daryl as your wingman?_ Shane didn't hide his resentment. His shoes had been filled, and it bothered him that Rick found him so easily replaceable.

He had a lot to think about when it came to Carol…

He hoped that one day she would be a stronger woman for all that she had been through and lost. Although Shane had messed around with lots of women in his lifetime, but he was _never_ physically abusive. He hated how Ed treated Carol and felt no guilt for putting him in line that day down by the rock quarry. Shane had been furious at Lori that day and then watching Ed abuse Carol for the umpteenth time was the perfect opportunity for him to pound Ed's face into a bloody mess. It was displaced anger, but Shane believed Ed deserved it after all the bullshit abuse he dished out to Carol, Sophia, and the rest of the women in the group.

Shane remembered wiping Carol's hand after the barn incident. Although he kept pushing for the group to shoot the walkers, to give up on finding Sophia, Carol was still a heartbroken mother. Shane couldn't ignore that. Without saying a word, he had showed her in the best way he knew that he was sorry for the pain she was going through and that he wished he could change it for her. He couldn't articulate those words, but he hoped that she considered his gesture of washing her hands as one of sincere warmth and concern. He had no idea Sophia was in that barn and Shane wondered if he had known that, would he still had insisted on opening the barn and putting down all the walkers. Yes, because it gave Carol closure. It gave her the answer of what happened to Sophia although it wasn't the one she wanted—Shane didn't want that to be the answer either. Opening the barn had finally revealed Sophia's fate and it also left Carol with a gaping wound of grief.

Hershel was devastated when Shane and the group had killed all the walkers in his barn. Shane didn't care. The walkers could break out of the barn at any time and overrun the entire farm, killing everyone. But no, Hershel thought they were sick. _You're the sick one,_ Shane wanted to shout at him. Still, when Hershel had told him to shut his mouth in front of everyone—and refused to allow Shane to stay in his home, while allowing the rest of the survivors to take refuge inside—his worst fear of loneliness had come to pass.

Now he was isolated from the group.

He had been isolating himself for some time, but it was one thing to take it upon himself and remain alone, and another thing to be purposely excluded. The very same group he had led, kept safe and alive before Rick had returned…the same group that Rick had took from him as he undermined Shane's authority…

Andrea was the only one who understood how far he'd go to keep everyone safe. She listened to him and validated him. She made him feel sane when everyone else made him feel insane. Teaching her how to shoot gave him reason to believe that he could still contribute to the group and it had also empowered her. After Amy's death, Andrea was lost, but now she had a purpose after he taught her about cleaning, disassembling, and shooting a gun. He found with her, he felt the same way: he had a purpose. He had someone on his side, someone who saw the world for what it truly was—unlike Rick and everyone else who saw the world they wanted it to be. Andrea was realist, she could stand on her own two feet, challenge him—and even partner with him. Some days he imagined running off with her again, especially after that afternoon in the Hyundai…Dale had sensed something, but Andrea didn't care, and if Andrea didn't care, why should Shane? In retrospect, Andrea was the better woman for him. Andrea was a giver, unlike Lori who was always a taker. Most of all, Andrea fully realized how dangerous Randall was.

Randall…

Thoughts of Randall reminded him of how he got Rick out here in the first place. He continued to lead Rick through the woods. They were almost where he wanted to have his showdown. As though reading his mind, Rick asked him about where they were.

"Does this way feel right?"

"As right as any." His vague answer was offered in a flat voice.

"Snatched your gun, huh?"

Shane heard the skepticism in Rick's voice again. By now, he didn't care anymore because he knew what he was going to do—what he _had_ to do.

"Yeah, favorite piece too. Gonna wish he'd—wish he'd killed me when I find his sorry ass. Go on." He gestured for Rick to go on ahead. Shane watched him, imagining Rick as a corpse.

As he followed Rick, Shane thought about how he had wanted to kill Randall from the moment he had been brought back to the farm. It was clear that Randall was a threat—Daryl's interrogation proved that. Nobody—not even God fearing "help your neighbor" Hershel—wanted him there. And yet, when they finally agreed to drop off the kid, their conflict had reached an explosive level with the former best friends fighting as though they were worst enemies.

Shane hated _everything_ about that day. Rick confronting him about Otis and Lori was difficult, but what he hated most was Rick shutting down his feelings. _You don't love her, you think you do, but you don't._ He didn't know what Shane felt. Who was he to assume that Shane didn't love Lori? Claiming Lori's baby as his own. If Rick truly believed the baby was his, then damn it—act like it! Protect your loved ones at any costs and don't give a dangerous fool like Randall a chance to live if he already tried to kill you. Then when he tried telling Rick about how it was when everything first started, Rick blew him off and wanted to check Randall's ropes.

They fought that day because he finally told Rick the truth: he couldn't keep Lori and Carl safe. Rick didn't like that, but too bad. The tension erupted between them and he actually threw a wrench at Rick—a huge one that he knew could either kill him or break every bone in his face. It had shattered the window above Rick, who had ducked in time. Then there was that whole mess of running from walkers and getting trapped in the bus. When Rick abandoned him, running out of the yard with that kid—leaving Shane in the school bus surrounded by walkers—he had never felt a betrayal so awful and painful. He was furious that Rick would take the side of someone who was dangerous, rather than save his best friend. Rick eventually came back for him, and later on, intentional or not, he planted the idea that Shane was carrying out right now. He clearly remembered what Rick had told him before giving back his gun:

_"You wanna kill me, you're gonna have to do better than a wrench, probably gonna have to kill that boy, but I am gonna think about it tonight. Can't that be easy killing someone…killing anyone…you know that."_

Rick throwing it in his face that killing someone can't be easy—after confronting Shane about Otis was another emotional blow. Rick told him earlier that he understood and would've done the same thing for Carl…kill someone to save his son's life. Still, he decided he would take Rick up on exactly what he said: kill that kid. Shane had already wanted to do it, and when he finally snapped Randall's neck, he didn't feel one ounce of guilt. Randall could've killed everyone. And here was Rick, thinking of letting the guy go—spending all this time on that piece of garbage who shot at him, rather than speak with his son, Carl. Rick wanted to let him go and Shane knew it would end badly when he got his gang to storm the farm. There was no telling what Randall and his group would do to Lori and Carl—and the entire group at the farm. Rape. Steal. Kill. It was bad enough they had walkers to contend with, but dealing with the vileness that had become the human race was an entirely different matter. Shane saw through Randall's Mr. I'm-So-Innocent Act. He had had enough after seeing Randall trying to sway Carl to his side. So he snapped the kid's neck. Simple and efficient death. Stupid kid never knew what hit him.

Randall had been put to good use because now Shane and Rick were out there looking for him. When Rick said that Randall wasn't the only threat and he split up from Glenn and Daryl—this was it. Now Shane could put his plan into motion.

Hours had passed since then. Darkness had fallen and during that time, Shane had reviewed _everything_ that had led to this point. Now it was night, and this felt more natural for him. Rick was walking behind Shane and then he quickened his pace, so that he was side by side with him. Shane glanced at him. Rick continued forward not saying anything. It was ironic that Rick walked side by side with him now, when earlier that day, Rick had been standing on the porch and Shane on the ground. The power differential was obvious and Shane thought it accurately reflected what had become of their friendship and brotherhood: Rick standing over him, looking down at him, wielding power over him. Even when it was something as important as Carl carrying around a gun, and how Carl needed his father…Rick still wouldn't listen.

Which is why Rick had to die tonight. And Shane would make sure it happened.

They were finally in the open field. Rick was still ahead with Shane following behind him. By now, night had completely fallen and a large white moon hung over them. It was the only light they had in the dark solemn atmosphere, and the only sound were crickets chirping. Other than that, it was only them out there in the cold dark night.

"You say he got you with a rock?" Rick asked as he continued to walk ahead of Shane.

"That's what I said."

"Inside the shed? 'Cause that door was shut when T-Dog rolled up." Rick was still questioning the entire scenario aloud.

"I saw that too. Must've slipped through the rafters in the roof." Shane was tired of all this foolishness. How many times was Rick going to make it clear that he didn't believe him, only for Shane to go along with it?

Rick still had his back turned to Shane when he put his Colt Python in its holster. "So this is where you planned to do it." It wasn't a question, but reluctant acceptance of the truth.

"It's a good place as any." Shane's voice was wooden as he confirmed what Rick just said: he had been lured out here to his death.

"At least have the balls to call this what it is— _murder_." Rick spat out the word and turned to face him now. "You really believe if you walk back onto that farm alone—no me, no Randall—"

They began circling each other, while still maintaining their distance.

"I want you to hush up."

"You really believe they're gonna buy whatever bullshit story you cook up?!"

"That's just it. It ain't no story."

Shane saw that Rick looked like he was trying to understand everything. What the hell happened to his best friend and brother?! This wasn't the man he knew for so long. It didn't faze him that Rick was trying to chip away at his resolve. He had a plan and he intended to carry it out. In less than ten minutes from now, Rick would be dead. He would be a cold corpse at the end of their confrontation. An obstacle finally eliminated from Shane's life. Simple as that.

"I saw that prisoner shoot you down. I ran after him. I snapped his neck. It ain't gonna be easy, but Lori and Carl—they'll get over you." He was breathing hard now as he rambled on about the story he would tell the group, and how things would go back to what they were before Rick returned. "They done it before. They just gonna have to."

He aimed T-Dog's Glock 17 at Rick now. He finally had Rick in his sights and facing him—his former best friend, brother, police partner would take the bullet head on. Perfect.

"Why? _Why now?_ " Rick sounded genuinely shocked that Shane wanted to kill him. He circled around, while Shane kept the Glock 17 aimed directly at him. "I thought we worked this all out."

"We tried to kill each other man! What you think? We just gonna forget about it all? We gonna ride off into the sunset together?"

Shane almost laughed at Rick's stupid idealism that they had "worked it all out". Maybe in Rick's mind they had resolved their conflict, but to Shane, he still wanted an open opportunity to end everything, once and for all. Besides, you don't just fight your best friend, try to end each other's lives, and then act like everything was perfectly fine. And Rick was still trying to break him down. Make him change his mind. Throw him off his game. No. It wouldn't work.

Rick _had_ to die tonight. And Shane _would_ make sure it happened.

"You're gonna kill me in cold blood? Screw _my_ wife? Have my children— _my_ children call you daddy?! Is that what you want?" Rick sounded furious as he threw every charge at Shane. "That life won't be worth a damn. I know you—you won't be able to live with this."

Rick's last words finally did him in. He knew what Shane didn't want to admit: that he couldn't carry out cold-blooded murder. That the life he thought he would have—or _hoped_ to have—would be meaningless. Shane's determination to murder him was completely destroyed now…as was his spirit. He lowered his gun.

"What _you_ know about what I can live with? You got no idea what I _can_ live with—what _I_ live with!"

Rage coursed through him as his emotional pain erupted for Rick to see. Rick had absolutely _no clue_ how damaged—how _broken_ Shane was from everything that had happened since the outbreak started. He had no idea what it was to be rejected by the woman he loved and blamed for things beyond his control. He wasn't the one being constantly pushed away and pulled back by the same woman who couldn't figure whom or what she wanted. Rick didn't know what it was to have his leadership snatched away the moment his best friend returned from the grave. Rick didn't have to carry the enormous weight that came from knowing he had killed someone to save someone. He didn't have to make excruciating choices and then try to live inside his own skin afterwards. No one had told Rick to shut his mouth in front of the entire group—after him noting how unrealistic the group was for wanting to save a potential threat that could kill them. No one made Rick out to be a monster or a psychopath for making life-or-death decisions—especially when there were little to no options now. And he certainly didn't have the rest of the group judging him or making it seem like he was crazy, insane, and out of control for putting the survival of his loved ones' as top priority.

Rick didn't live with any of those burdens. It all rested on Shane's shoulders and he had finally reached his breaking point. His best intentions never gave him the intended results. They were made with others' well-being in mind—and everything always blew up in his face. Getting Lori and Carl out of Atlanta—led to him falling in love with her and sleeping with her (and impregnating her)—that was never the plan. Going with Otis get supplies to ensure Carl lived: he didn't intend for Otis to get killed at his hands during that trip. He _never_ wanted that to happen.

Most of all, he knew Rick was right: the group wouldn't believe his story. Where would that leave him? If his best intentions had turned out horrible, what would happen when his _worst intention_ to kill Rick succeeded? That's when Shane forced himself to face the absolute truth: he couldn't kill Rick.

And he couldn't live like this anymore.

He couldn't bear the overwhelming pain, the loneliness; the lack of support from Rick and the group about his decisions, the way they ostracized him as though he had never been their leader. The group wouldn't follow him if Rick was dead. They would suspect he had killed him and that would be the end of it. He'd end up losing Lori and Carl forever. At one time, they had kept him alive, as he had told Rick. Without them, he had nothing. If he killed Rick, then he would lose everything that mattered to him, leaving him no reason to keep living this empty life. He would just exist as a hollow shell of whom he once was, but dead inside…

He already felt dead…so why not bring it around full circle?

It was in those mere seconds that Shane changed his plan from murder to suicide by cop. The more he thought about it, the more comforted he was by the idea of Rick ending it all for him. He also wanted to see if Rick could truly kill— _when necessary_ —to protect those he loved. It was time to turn the tables and see if he had it in him to pull the trigger since he had just insinuated that Shane couldn't do it.

"You wanna talk about what I can do, Rick? How about what you can do? Here I am." He tucked the gun in his pants and raised his arms. "Come on, man. Raise your gun."

Rick seemed to think it over quickly before shaking his head. "No…no, I will not."

"What happened, Rick?! I thought you weren't the good guy anymore. Ain't that what you said? Even right here, right now, you ain't gonna fight for 'em?!"

Shane's fury increased exponentially. Even now, Rick still _wouldn't_ fight for his _own life_ if it meant Lori and Carl would live? He was threatening Rick's life at gunpoint—Rick _still_ wanted to play The Good Guy. _What's it gonna take for you to man up—protect Lori, Carl and my unborn baby?!_ Shane _knew_ that baby was his and Rick had better step up and become the man he needed to be to protect his child in this deadly world. It was time to take it there…

"I'm a better father than you, Rick! I'm better for Lori than you, man. It's 'cause I'm a better man than you, Rick! 'Cause I can be here and I'll fight for it! _You_ come back here and you just destroy _everything_!"

Shane taunted Rick, trying to antagonize him into pulling the trigger. He didn't recognize himself anymore, but he wanted to say those words. He wanted to hurt his best friend—stab him in the heart without actually doing it. And he wanted Rick to put him down already! He continued to egg him on, making it easier for Rick to kill him. Rick just stood there, watching as Shane motioned back and forth and shouting at him.

"You got a broken woman. You got a weak boy. You ain't got the first clue on how to fix it." He didn't want to say those ugly things about Lori and Carl, but it was true: Lori was unhappy, didn't know what she wanted, and emotionally, she was all over the place. Carl was weak and needed to be stronger—Shane had tried teaching him that many times—he gave him a gun, shooting lessons…Rick just needed to man up already. Knowing what would push Rick forward, Shane now aimed T-Dog's Glock 17 at him again.

_"Raise your gun!"_

Rick stared at him for several seconds before finally responding.

"You're gonna have to kill an unarmed man."

Shane wouldn't do that—killing Rick unarmed would be the lowest of the low.

Rick slowly raised his arms. "Watch my hand…nice and easy. Easy does it." He retrieved his Colt Python and held it out to his brother. "Now listen to me, Shane…there is still a way back from this…nothing has happened here…"

Shane looked at him, gun still raised, uncertain of where this was going…

Rick's voice was soothing, as he slowly worked on deescalating Shane. It would bring him back, and hopefully help him to relax, regain a calmer composure. He remembered the technique they had learned in training, especially when it involved crisis situations and conflict resolution. One of the first lessons was to not engage in the same manner as the angry (or out of control) person. If he had shouted back at Shane this entire time, it would've only escalated the situation. So Rick's tone and speaking softly to his hurting friend was deliberate. By Rick remaining calm, it would be more difficult for Shane to stay in crisis mode.

"We're gonna lay down our guns…and we're gonna walk back to the farm…together…"

Rick started walking towards Shane, closing the gap between them. The entire time, he kept his voice mellow. Peaceful. There was nothing hostile about it.

"…Back to Lori….back to Carl…put this all behind us..."

Rick said everything that he knew Shane wanted—and _needed_ —to hear. That he would not fight with him. That they could go back to the farm together. As best friends. Brothers. And of course, because Lori and Carl meant everything to Shane, Rick made sure to mention them. The entire time, he slowly advanced towards him. Shane still had his gun aimed at him, but watched him carefully. He thought he saw a weak smile flash across on Shane's face—and also relief. Relief that Rick would forgive him for acting this way and that he would be willing to put this hellish night behind them. Shane still had his gun out and Rick made sure to hand over his Colt Python so that his guard would be completely down.

Shane didn't know for sure what he felt now. Sadness that he had actually thought about killing his best friend? Relief that Rick would forgive him for everything? Happiness that they could return to Lori and Carl? Regret that he had brought Rick out here? Shock that they could actually put this all behind them?

Rick made sure the Colt Python was in Shane's hand. At that exact moment, Shane looked down at Rick's signature firearm—so he didn't see Rick reaching behind himself with his free arm—and then suddenly snake forward with a knife—

The sheer pain in his heart was overwhelming beyond anything he had ever felt before. At the same instant that he realized Rick had stabbed him, he accidentally fired his gun. The gunshot blast sounded like thunder in his ears, but he didn't register it. All he felt was the piercing—the sharpness in his chest and he realized he couldn't stand anymore. He started to collapse and lean forward into Rick, when he felt as his best friend guide him to the grass and lay him on his back. Then he heard Rick screaming above him.

"Damn you for making me do this, Shane—THIS WAS YOU, NOT ME! YOU DID THIS TO US! THIS WAS YOU NOT ME! _NOT ME!_ "

Rick was still yelling when he felt the knife being pulled out of his heart. The ripping pain was unbelievable and he tried to talk to Rick, but couldn't. Blood flooded his mouth and coursed down his throat. He was able to glance down briefly at the bloody wound in his chest and then looked up at Rick, completely in shock from what his best friend had done to him—that he had been able to do it at all.

"NOT ME!"

Shane coughed out more blood and turned away. He stared at the grass and that's when his vision began to darken. He thought he felt Rick holding his hand and the back of his head, almost cradling him. It was as though Rick was helping him to die peacefully, although entire scenario was violent and tragic. In return, he reached out for Rick's face, gently grazing him. Not to harm or hurt him…but to tell him that he was sorry. He was sorry for everything that had occurred between them—all the fighting and hostility, and most of all, for how their friendship had disintegrated, their brotherhood destroyed.

As Shane lay dying in his best friend's arms, he accepted that death was better and that in his own way, he had been dead for a long time. He had killed the old Shane so that the new Shane could stay alive…and that new Shane caused his own death.

_I did this…to Rick, to Lori, to Carl…to Otis…_

Shane Walsh welcomed death with open arms.

**The End**


End file.
